By Emily Hanlon
Let's start off by making sure we understand the difference between school refusal and school can't:
Imagine a child who wants to attend school but physically cannot make it through the day due to overwhelming emotions or sensory overload. This isn’t school refusal, it’s school "can’t."
School refusal is often misunderstood as defiance or a lack of motivation, but school "can’t" reflects deeper emotional and psychological barriers. Recognising this distinction is key to offering the right support.
In this post, you’ll learn:
What school "can’t" is and how it differs from school refusal
The emotional and psychological challenges children face in these situations
Practical strategies to nurture resilience and reframe school experiences
What Is School 'Can't'? Breaking Down the Basics
School "can’t" refers to situations where a child is unable to attend or engage in school due to overwhelming emotional, psychological, or sensory challenges. Unlike school refusal, which may involve avoidance or anxiety, school "can’t" is marked by an intrinsic inability to cope with the demands of the school environment.
Key Characteristics of School 'Can't':
Emotional overwhelm: The child feels paralysed by fear, anxiety, or sensory sensitivities.
Physical symptoms: Stomachaches, headaches, or fatigue often accompany the emotional distress.
Genuine desire to attend: Unlike school refusal, these children often express a wish to go to school but feel unable to do so.
Example: Max, a 12-year-old with undiagnosed autism, often shut down during transitions between classes. His parents initially thought he was refusing school, but it was his sensory overload making attendance impossible.
Why School 'Can't' Happens: Emotional and Psychological Barriers
The root causes of school "can’t" often stem from a combination of emotional, environmental, and physiological factors.
1. Anxiety and Fear
Fear of failure, bullying, or the unknown can make school feel insurmountable.
Social anxiety or separation anxiety might play a role.
2. Sensory Sensitivities
Children with sensory processing challenges may find the noise, bright lights, or chaotic hallways overwhelming.
Even small environmental triggers can lead to shutdowns or meltdowns.
3. Past Trauma
A child who has experienced trauma may associate school with unsafe or triggering memories.
Examples include bullying, academic failure, or stressful teacher-student dynamics.
Tool Tip: Provide examples of how your products, such as sensory aids or emotion-regulation resources, can help address these challenges.
How to Recognise School 'Can't': Signs to Watch For
Understanding the signs of school "can’t" can help parents and clinicians provide targeted support.
Behavioural Signs
Frequent late arrivals or early pickups.
Difficulty transitioning from home to school, even with coaxing.
Avoidance of specific parts of the school day (e.g., assemblies, lunch).
Emotional Signs
Expressions like “I want to go, but I just can’t.”
Visible distress when discussing school-related topics.
Emotional shutdowns or meltdowns at the thought of attending school.
Physical Signs
Recurrent, unexplained physical symptoms such as headaches, nausea, or fatigue.
Regular visits to the school nurse without a clear medical cause.
Example: Lily, an 8-year-old, often cried during morning routines but brightened up at home. Her tears weren’t about avoiding schoolwork—they reflected the emotional toll of social anxiety.
The Emotional Toll of School 'Can't' on Families and Clinicians
For parents, school "can’t" often triggers feelings of frustration, guilt, or helplessness. Clinicians, too, may feel the pressure to "fix" the problem quickly, which isn’t always realistic.
What families might feel:
Guilt: “Am I doing enough to help my child?”
Frustration: “Why can’t they just try harder?”
Isolation: “No one understands how hard this is.”
What clinicians might feel:
Pressure: “I need to have the perfect solution.”
Empathy burnout: Balancing professional objectivity with genuine care.
How to Support a Child Facing School 'Can't'
Helping a child with school "can’t" starts with building emotional safety and trust.
1. Validate Their Feelings
Avoid minimising their struggles with phrases like, “You’ll be fine.”
Instead, acknowledge their emotions: “I can see how hard this is for you.”
2. Create Predictable Routines
Use visual schedules to make transitions smoother.
Build flexibility into the day, such as breaks during high-stress moments.
3. Collaborate with Schools
Advocate for Individualised Education Plans (IEPs) or accommodations under NDIS frameworks.
Suggest alternatives like shorter school days or online learning options.
The Role of Emotional Regulation in Overcoming School 'Can't'
Teaching children to recognise and manage their emotions is a vital step in helping them feel capable and safe in school settings.
Practical Tools for Emotional Regulation:
Emotion charts: Help children identify and articulate their feelings in ways that are best suited to their neurotype
Coping kits: Include sensory-friendly tools like noise-canceling headphones or fidget toys.
Mindfulness exercises: Simple techniques like belly breathing or grounding exercises.
PS - need resources on this topic? Make sure you check out the online store and filter it to show you all the resources I have available on emotions. Here's a direct link to that section of the store.
How Parents and Clinicians Can Work Together
Collaboration is key to addressing school "can’t" effectively.
For Parents:
Communicate openly: Share observations and concerns with clinicians and educators.
Seek professional support: Engage with psychologists, speech pathologists, or occupational therapists.
For Clinicians:
Empower parents: Provide actionable strategies and tools they can use at home.
Advocate for the child: Help families navigate systems like the NDIS to access the right resources.
Understanding school "can’t" requires empathy, patience, and a willingness to dig beneath the surface. By recognising the unique challenges these children face and addressing their emotional needs, parents and clinicians can create a supportive pathway toward success.
Supporting a child through school can't requires a comprehensive understanding of their concerns, empathy, and a well-structured plan.
By identifying the underlying causes, fostering a sense of safety, and working together, you can help children rebuild their confidence and rediscover the joy of learning.
If you're looking for a comprehensive guide on school refusal, I've got you covered!
This resource is filled with practical strategies, expert insights, and step-by-step guidance tailored for parents, educators, and clinicians. Get your copy here.
Have you supported a child through school "can’t"? Share your insights in the comments, your experience might inspire someone else!
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